Thursday, May 22, 2014

Stay.

You know even though by age I haven't lived for a long time, and there's still so much to learn and to live by... when you've been running for so long it feels as though it's been a lifetime. Every single second that's occurred I have taken into full effect. I have felt, tasted, heard and smelled, and absorbed every moment as though it were the last, and it still sometimes feels as though it wasn't enough. There was always someone I didn't tell I loved them enough. There's always a different path I wish I had taken to see a sparkle in someone's eye a little longer. There are always things I wish I had done to make someone love me enough not to leave. Is it a coincidence that it was always after I told them how much they meant to me? I lived the most important years of my life in a lack of love.  All is now forgiven. I'm almost glad things went the route they did. Because I couldn't express my own love, all I wished to do was to tell someone that I love them if it were true, and to acknowledge that love in return. Because I've spent half a lifetime savoring and collecting this love I was not able to express, and just watching it fester within myself, it has built and stored. I never lost it. I never just handed it out though. I didn't let it out for a long time.

So... I learned to run. I learned to run in order to beat others to the punch of running. I still don't know why people left. I still "know" it's not now, nor was ever my fault that they left. They had their shit too. I'm confident in saying that when I love someone now, that I can be truthful in saying I can love them an entire lifetime and beyond. That scares me. Sometimes I don't know if I really could figure out how not to be broken and abused. I don't know if I can learn to truly trust. I don't know what that looks like really. Ha. This is not the confession I intended to unveil tonight. But I guess it's what needed to come out.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I know that if I'm a good enough person, that I will mentally be placed on a pedastul that I'm not ready to accept or fill. I don't even want it. I just want to live life side-by-side. I just want to laugh and cry and smile and wonder and be angry at all of the same things. I'm here. I know there are good people around me. And I know that at this stage of my emotions running high that I have a tendency to push people away. Well, if I were to be honest, it would be the one I love the most in my life at the time.

So here is the million dollar question I wanted to ask tonight...

What if I stayed? 

What if I didn't run?

What if (and it probably will happen) I stayed because I loved someone... anyone so much that I gained being by their side and walking life with them and wanted to let everything else go away?

What if they left? Would I just hit autopilot on my feelings again? Come on now. I even know it's not that easy. It destroys me. And that pain doesn't go away. Ever.

This time... I want to stay. Even though running is all I used to know how to do.... I am letting all of that insecurity, and complete fright and wonder go. Because for the first time in a very very long time... I'm certain that this is where I want to be without a question or a doubt. I would say otherwise to feel someone else's reaction. But for the first time, I didn't question someone being enough for me. I didn't question whether I would be happy in the long run. I was asked to stay. I want to stay. And this will be the one thing in my life that truly got away. I'll cross hell and high water to keep that from happening again.

I feel like that scene in Walk the Line where Cash finally detoxed, and June grabbed him by the hand, told him he wasn't nothin, said "it's okay",  grabbed his hand and walked him into the church.

So... here we go. Stay. I challenge you to do the same. Come hell or high water.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

RAR


STOP PUTTING DOWN MY OTHER FRIENDS IN MY AND TO MY FACE JUST TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER AND TO FORM A POINTLESS POSSE...

I'm tired of building people up to other friends who claim they hate people talking crap about them...and will stop talking to them for it...but will turn around and do the very same thing the next day...or within the next decade even....

YOU'RE GROWING!! YOU WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW IT!!! SO ACKNOWLEDGE THERE GROWTH TOO!!!

STOP PUTTING YOURSELF IN LEADERSHIP POSITIONS AND GOING OUT THE NEXT NIGHT BOASTING, BEING DIRTY AND WHATEVER ELSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO GROW...

Thank you to the two who found out I had cancer, and considered yourselves my best friends but then called me only once...and never again for the next three weeks...or tried to get me to come and hang out....and you want encouragement from me IN WORDS AND LETTERFORM?!?!

I'm sick of the complaining of other people...believe it or not I was NOT about that...and I was only taught better by few teachers and friends around me....YES...SOME PEOPLE ARE LEFT OUT OF CERTAIN MANORS AND LIFE SKILLS LIKE LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE! BE KIND TO THEM YOU JERKWAD!!!!

I'm sick of everyone thinking they know what's better for me and my life when I never asked what was...this is why I do things and act up...to show that it's not their life...when I turn to my God and let Him lead me...they think I don't know what I'm doing enough that I'm "incompetent" and can't stand myself on my own two feet...MAYBE THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO!!!!!!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Chaotic Peace

I crave my God. I've distanced myself so far, and still, even now I blog instead of talking to Him. If another person were in my shoes they would say they don't know why they do this, but I am no one but myself. I do this because I'm scared..no.. terrified of the pain that came with loving His people so much. People who at their best and worst seemed so sure in showing me how to love the wrong way. At this moment, in silence.. I do not know who I am or where I came from. I feel like a newborn left in the cold. A Lot has been happening lately, and I feel the spiked chicken wire wrapping and clenching my heart. So many nights I want my heart to stop beating so badly that I pray it, and I try and stop breathing until I hear my heart slowing down.

I haven't been to church in 3 months, and I feel...empty. Go figure. But I knew it was worse when I attended somewhere as intentional as Forcey,and was bled dry by my efforts in love, in reality, and all I wanted to do was serve. I've never heard of someone being told they aren't allowed to serve in the way they were called because of being female, until it was told to me..

Friday, November 26, 2010

Another Year.

Another year has passed since my last blog on this chapter(give or take a few days). Another year has passed without Josh. It never gets easier, and he is always on my mind. A friend recently asked me how often I think of him. The answer?... always. There isn't a moment in a day where he doesn't cross my mind. Not a moment passes where I think that I should have stayed with him, and we could have come home together instead of separately, even though God had other plans for me obviously. I came across my engagement ring from Josh a couple of months ago...and though I know people would itch to see it, without hesitance I threw it back in the closet. I'm not that person to show off things. I'm not that person to boast about "prize possessions"... I just don't care to. I think those people are bored, and still have not experienced even a taste of truly living outside their own four walls physically, emotionally and mentally. If I ever have bragged about a material...I have done it mockingly to people who ALWAYS boast of..THINGS?? So what? No matter what any of us do or do not have, it WILL wither away in the end with everything else. We should be more focused on sharing happiness, laughs, creativity, inspiration....life.

Once again my close circle of friends has rotated, and I no longer attend Forcey going on 6 months or so. Uncle Rob is now gone, and December is coming. My life feels confident, and so rocky at the same time this time of year. I start working for Under Armour as a Graphic Designer in Baltimore soon and I'm more-so excited than nervous...

This year has brought MANY new and drastic changes, but since encountering them all, I've learned to smile again, to laugh again, to take risks and never settle on just "fine" if "just fine" is not where I want to be. I've started drawing again and speaking in higher volume of what is on my mind. I am trying to be a bit more careful of making my heart and my head in sync.

I had a heart attack a few weeks ago and I've never been so scared in my life. I've also never been more sick of doctors and never wished for Josh more than I do right now. He always knew...by a sparkle in my eye that it was time to take me somewhere safe, somewhere away from wherever I was. He always knew me. And I miss that. So this chapter of my Blogger account is to raise a glass in his honor every year. You're forever with me. I love you, baby. I always will. I've been writing you letters in my heart. I hope you can hear them. --K

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I need him back..

Lately I've had that thought that just won't surrender. "What am I doing!?!" This December is the 4 year anniversary since Josh passed, and it's never been harder than it is now. Could it be that it took this long to really hit me? It doesn't make it easier that his parents came into town and wanted to see me. I feel horrible for not wanting to see any of them, but I didn't want to remember. There are the most random things in my life I just won't talk about. I don't want to feel dramatic or emotional about them, especially when it's with something I struggled with as far as coping. I've laughed...I've cried...I've been angry, and it all feels like it built up and has been coming out in the past few weeks. I haven't talked, because it wouldn't come out unless I made myself numb to it like it was over and passed. You don't really fully recover from something like that. Though... I hope I'm wrong. I can't write his letter yet. How can I when I'm just now feeling and paying the toll of it all. I don't want anymore secrets... How can I be helped and kept accountable for things if I never speak of these things. In church we stress the importance of small groups for studying the bible, and ESPECIALLY accountability. Some speak it, but don't live it. Some live it, and don't speak it, some people just stay away, and with some people it feels like they tell too much. I'm one that has dabbled in all of those. But right now... I don't know where to go or who to talk to. I don't even need someone that understands. Here is my trend... we talk...then I'm over it. This note/blog is going much further than I had intended...

With Josh there were no secrets...there were no fears... there was no struggle. There was a lot of love and all that it would hold. There was patience, compromise, much much kindness, fun sad and mad times, love of difference between the two. He was my first fairy tale come true. There was learning, there was growing, there were trials, but because we chose to be unselfish towards one another and showed persistence in pursuit of one another's heart in Christ, and dwell in what God asked of us to be together and individually.. those trials never seemed to matter. We grew everyday...

I'm demotivated to write anything else.



Except...

I wish we could hold each other just for one day more...

I need to hear his voice this time of year... I need for him to be here...

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Turned A New Leaf


I totally forgot about this account until Elly sent me a text message yesterday about some story of all our friends as animals that I apparently wrote WAY back in the day. So if you haven't talked to me in a while and still check this, I don't really drink often anymore, I don't smoke(anything), and I'm no longer in school. I am however very involved in the college group at Forcey Memorial Church. I love it, but I love it more when everyone that goes there isn't playing devil's advocate.
As for friends... back in the day my closest were Elly(of course), Joel, Felicia, Jowers, and Tim Hanlon. Now it's Elly(of course), Kathy(:-D), Shara, Joel, Paul, Danielle, my sister(waahhh?!?), and Regina. I really do consider a lot of the people I see pretty regularly my close, but those are my closest. So I guess what I could do next is post my most recent post besides this... I'll probably delete it later. Ciao!

So after I taught in CP today, I went for a drive and detoured to a church I used to attend back in the day. Original thought was, "I don't know why I'm driving here, or getting out of my car, or going to go talk to the pastor and youth pastor, or talking to this man...but I'm doing it." It was almost as if I wasn't really me. Normally I would be having an anxiety attack, but it came off natural. I'm sure you get the picture by now. Anywho, I walked in and saw a note that everyone was out to lunch and would return approx. at 1:00. I figured it wasn't too far away and walked around a bit. When I went back towards the lobby, a familiar face came around the corner a bit startled, but pleased to see me. He said a calm and optimistic "hello", and proceeded past to his office. I turned and asked if the pastor was in today at all. He said, "yes! he's out to lunch, but should return shortly". As soon as that statement ended I somehow found the two of us in this whole conversation about the history, and how I looked familiar, and the Invisible Children House Party coming up with the involvement of local churches being involved. As our conversation grew deeper and deeper, the level of this mans excitement grew so large he could have busted out the windows of the church. He thanked me for coming in, and asked if he could pray for me and our church and what we're doing and how we're growing. He mentioned that if I wanted to call back that he could set up an appointment with both the youth pastor and the senior pastor at the same time. He also mentioned how they also have a Korean and Indian church that is meeting there now. I know the Korean one had been there, but the Indian church was relatively new. I then had to stop by this point and massage my cheeks. He said that the pastors LOVE movements like this and helping any cause they can. "Another white to red" I thought.(The white indicates "pending request", red indicates "pending official approval", and aqua indicates "church attending" on the proposal sketch pad I have typed up.)
The point of this entire story, is that for what we're trying to do, and what we need to be is well at work even when heads are buried in a meeting. Then I thought..."man..all these events are great! And we work with what we have when we have it. God's hand still works.."(duh, right?) Anywho.. I came out feeling so inspired and refreshed to up and anty(sp?) a bit for this event coming up. Churches ARE willing to get involved. Screw the "Devil's advocate" questions. Too many isn't being prepared all the time...it just lowers the heart of the situation. We all know this. So when people have ideas and the heart to strive for excellence, let's push forward and run with them...not stop, wasting time just to see if their shoelaces could possibly come apart. If they haven't yet...and they aren't right now, why get flustered? Show a little trust in God;) and the people on His side. Too much energy and passion can be killed too quickly in the little time we have. I'm not saying just for these "revolutions", I mean for anything in general.
As for the retreat coming up, let's build up LeRachels ideas, pull together(doesn't have to be hardcore sign-up committees in the meetings, but can be done at location) and hold car washes(now that it's warming up)(like kathy had the idea of), let's go out on the streets, let's have fun church events with donations...like maybe get together on a saturday and make something great for kids(like the fall festival)...

remember the old school days where we said "hey! we're gonna do this! if you're interested in coming out, come out on saturday so we can team up and have a lot of fun while advertising this cause!" So many more people showed up when we did that...now it's like "ok..we took two months and planned this one day thing...sign up on the sheet and we'll contact you in 3-4 days if we get around to it"... I'm not knocking that...but Forcey used to be a little more genuine. The love was voluntary and there, now it seems scheduled. We used to get a bunch of new people ALL THE TIME. That's why they started building on...now that everything is "politic(be honest), and time-nazi led", where did everyone go?

sometimes it's GOTTA be "out with the new, in with the old"

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

...

...

The Latest Moment

My moment of advice in it all:

You guys,

your friends...are your friends...hold onto them
forever. They will look out for you, and yes
sometimes you have to look out for you. You guys are
my friends, and I vent to you now. The closer it gets
to holidays pouring in, the more I realize what I
have, what I had, what I should never had lost and
what I will work for only to gain. Don't you wish you
had a few friends you could talk to about anything and
everything? Don't you wish you had a few so close that
you even could tell yourself everything would be ok?
I know you "super religious" people would say "yeah
and i have God for that", but listen closely...why do
you think he's put these people in our path for our
happy and sad times? Why do you think they are here
and don't seem to be leaving? Couldn't it be because
He's given us someone knowing the struggles we may
come to, and the laughs we may need. So who are we to
push it away and take advantage of it only to what
fits US and what WE need and don't need? What about
what they need and what about what we need for each
other? Charish your friendships. Everyone at
some point in time has felt lonely and abandoned. It
hurts doesn't it? badly... so hold onto what you have
for as long as it may be according to God's timeline,
not ours... and be thankful that everyday someone IS
thinking about you and wants you there, and maybe even
NEEDS the voice God brings to you in time of comfort,
stress and relief...

remember..he DOES work in mysterious ways...


hit me back with your thoughts please...

don't let me be the only real voice out there...

it is okay to open up and share things you guys, this
IS why i'm here...trust me...i KNOW this is why I
still attempt to reach people even in my failure to
call or e-mail personally..

suprisingly, i got responses from the people I hang out the LEAST with. Not ONE person
that I normally hang out with responded...

hmmm... makes me think.